all hail the queen of screw ups

I'm just owning the title from now. It's even in the bio. I have the best of intentions, but I also have a temper and a big mouth. Took steps tonight to repair things with someone and I actually got results versus having it thrown back in my face. The best part? She took a share of the blame and made the effort to seek me out and say what she needed to as well, rather than letting me just drown in my guilt complex and apologize until I was blue in the face like so many people in my life.

People I love & care about, could you please take a cue from this person in how you treat me? She's only a step above a complete stranger to me, someone I've said hi to in passing, and she's showing more consideration for my feelings than some of you are right now.

Thanks, CoatCheck Girl, for the reassurance my faith in people is not always completely misplaced.

mental anti-itch spray

Was just discussing the fact that I wish I had held on to more of my writing from the past. So many stories & poems & journals lost to manic moments in which I decide they're clutter & I would be better off getting rid of them and starting over. And yet less than a day after starting this blog I have an itch telling me to do it again... That the beginning could be less rambly or better written, that the old poem might not belong here. This settles it. Clearly it's a compulsive thing I need to learn to fight. I think I'll just sit here & bang my head on the desk while reminding myself no one is reading it, so it's ok if it doesn't come out right... Then maybe the itch will go away without me scratching it. Anyone know where I can buy anti-itch spray for my brain?

Also wouldn't say no to some not-so-metaphorical anti-itch spray if you have it. The mosquitos ate me alive today.

a piece of the past

This is a poem I pulled off my blog from high school. At the time I took it down (well made it private at least) because a friend thought it was scary. Truth? It wasn't about suicide (as I tried to explain at the time). Even at my lowest lows I never wanted to miss out on the chance things might get better and I was never selfish enough to see that as an out even if I did. What it's about is letting out everything on the inside no one wants to see, even if you know it's going to change things. Also... I was 15 and maybe just a smidge overdramatic... Just saying it's not impossible. ;)

Either way, I hope it'll serve as a little inspiration for me as I start.


Dreaming
Slit wrists and bleeding
All over your perfect world

The most amazing colors I’ve ever seen
Vibrant and wonderful
I thrill to think this is what flows through me

Covering the floor, the door, the walls
Painting over the grey that is most familiar
This is my life flawed and incomplete
But at least it's pure truth

I would like to apologize though
While I still have the chance
Knowing the stains will never come out
Marring the image you work so hard to present
Someone must always pay the price
There’s no such thing as the flawless escape

getting started

There was a time when I couldn't imagine my life without writing. And then one day I stopped and couldn't start again. It's been over three years since that happened. A lot has changed since then, but what is it they say? "The more things change, the more they stay the same." Well my life may have changed, but I'm still the same girl in so many ways. A self-proclaimed drama queen in recovery. Always running late. A little too self conscious. A little too loud. A little too blunt. Trusts a little too fast, loves a little too hard, & gets hurt a little too easily. Holds a grudge like nobody's business. Has the best of intentions, but feels like she sometimes gets the worst results. Full of big dreams & big fears. And maybe somewhere in there is still the girl who used to love nothing in the world so much as seeing her thoughts come out on paper in a way that made just a little bit of sense to someone else out there in the world... maybe with a little work I can get her back. I'll introduce her to the girl I am now, the person I'm becoming, and see if they can learn to get along...